The Real Housewives of the Military

All businesses look for a way to sell their product all year long. Slim Fast markets several times a year starting in January, now that the egg nog buzz and snicker doodle high has subsided and we realize how many pounds those does darn moist cookies pack on we begin our liquid diet to regain our confidence. Once we drop the winter weight Valentine's Day, Mardi Gras and Easter come along. And again we put on a few pounds from the numerous left over ham sandwiches, don't want to waste food, and buttery nipple shots we threw back in celebration of Fat Tuesday. Once the food has settled and the liquor is down we realize swim suit season is approaching and again the mocha or strawberry shakes start flowing in hopes of reclaiming our figure back. So once summer has past Slim Fast has no audience for a while.......but I have found the cure for the fall advertising season. The answer is to advertise to military wives, why, because we need to get into our ball gowns. Once school has begun it is Military ball season. We have the Marine Ball, Navy Ball, Army Ball, Air Force Ball and then heck some areas even have their own balls on top of that. My husband reminded me of this fact as he came home the other day with the date for our military ball and all I could think was "why did I have to eat so many hot dogs this summer?" So as I spend the next two months getting in shape to look hot in a gown that will only be on for one night in a room full of people I only know by call sign I say to Slim Fast we should be your fall advertisement slot. Imagine instead of pictures of moms playing with their kids in the park it could be flashes of military wives next to their hunky soldier in their formal gowns. That sounds pretty inspiring to me.

Eventually I had to go there, enlisted housing. If you are ever at a party and feel no one is talking to you bring up any one of these three topics and you will have both brought the conversation to you and found out what women in the room are the drama queens, which may be more than you expected so prepare yourself. So you may ask what topics might those be.......well let me tell you: Tricare/Military Hospitals, schools on base, and housing. These topics gain universal jabbering and from my experience usually more in the negative zone. Being the twisted person that I am I enjoy listening to their tails of woo, kind of like when you watch someone fall down stairs and can't stop laughing. You know they are hurt but that internal devil inside of you finds joy in another's misery. As I digress, enlisted housing who exactly approves for people to live in these things labeled a home. It sure wasn't another enlisted person. Even a soldier that can't stand his NCO wouldn't so this to the guys family. Yes, there are some nice homes on base but let's be frank those belong to Officer's and if those slated for Enlisted belong to Senior NOC's and out of that bunch it is usually E-9 families.
I remember my husband calling me on my way back from a youth camping trip and telling me we had finally received a house on our third assignment. I swung by to take a look at the home the housing office listed as 1,400 sq ft and wonder if Helen Keller took the measurements because there was no way that box qualified as 1,400 much less a 4 bedroom. They had literally taken a closet and made it into a bedroom. Now I realize I have a daughter that doesn't even make the BMI chart but she still needs to fit a bed in the room. And I don't think that CPS would find it appropriate for us to house her in a gerbil cage. I told my husband ok, begrudgingly, and then sobbed two days later leaving my husband to tell the house Nazi's we will pass. It is fine and dandy to say the military provides housing but that logic works as well as telling a wife the affair doesn't count because you were TDY. So my solution to the problem instead of just adding fuel to the spouse fire is have spouses on the housing board. Convene a board of spouses to give their input on housing needs. We know what works, what amenities are necessary and this way like everything else in the world when someone complains housing can pass the buck to the panel of spouses.

I decided to surprise the kids with ice cream tonight for being good all day while with the sitter. After enjoying our night time treat we headed to Wallie World, for unnecessary compulsive items, passing by the airport. My son seeing the planes asked with excitement "Are we picking up daddy?" My heart broke as I, the bearer of bad news, had to tell him "not yet buddy." My husband and I knew what we were getting into. We didn't join young we were late bloomers to the life of the military. Our two oldest, which they are still young, remember the civilian life of owning a home with grandparents two blocks away and a dad that was home every night for dinner. In the past two years all our "family vacations" which that phrase is used liberally have not included him.
As a military parent it is a constant struggle knowing that your spouse is both defending your families freedom while financially providing. In an economy of 9.5% employment which is the lesser of two evils a father that is always home because he is out of a job or one that misses birthdays, dance recitals, bedtime stories and at times 6 - 18 months of their lives.
There is no real answer, kind of like which came first the chicken or the egg, but their is support.
As military spouses we can support each other, help each other, lift each other. Don't ask another spouse if they need anything when the military member is gone because we all say the same thing "No, I'm good." A friend of mine last week literally came over and said " tomorrow after Jim's doctor appointment he is going to pick up the kids. Get your stuff done they'll be fine." Your kids want a break from you as much as you want a break from them. Again they didn't sign up for this.
So everyone who's spouse is gone whether a week, a month or a year I wish you comfort, peace and the ability to not kill your kids or yourself.

If you have not seen it because you have been living under a rock, yes the pun is intended, there is a show "Survival Man." The premise; a guy goes out to try these insane antics to show how to survive various situations. One episode he may be out camping in the rain forest where he has no supplies so like MacGyver he uses his shirt as a tent, the leaves are transformed into a four-course dinner and the running water is constructed into a 10 person jacuzzi. So I may be a little excessive but you get the point. I though challenge Survivor Man (SM) against a military wife camping with kids with a husband that is gone anytime and I see us winning.

First off: SM is by himself so he can take as much time getting his coconut hut together as he would like. He doesn't have kids climbing all over him asking how much longer before they can go in as tent poles have been configured into foreign origami figures because daddy is not there to help.
Second: SM has a crew drop him off at his destination in a cushy airplane, car, truck, etc. I would love to be a fly in the minivan as he is driving with kids in tow to the camping destination that GPS says is two hours away. Except GPS doesn't take into account bathroom breaks, "I'm hungry" stops, the infamous "I don't feel good" quick pull over and the potty training toddler that has had an accident.
Third: SM is vacationing for free even if it is in the Antarctic. He is not trying to make the vacation fun and economical on the pay of an E-4, which currently is pretty much equivalent to poverty based on the number of kids in the family, even with WIC kids would like more than PB and cereal while camping.
Fourth: SM can roam as he pleases amongst the furry friends of the forest. A military mom on the other hand is surrounded by ferocious animals, I meant children, that want food now, swimming now, fun now, and the youngest that wants to be pushed in the stroller now all over creation.
Finally: He is alone and that is what I would not trade. Even with a husband gone the memories made, the time spent around the campfire, the stars to look at night with little eyes of wonder are worth all the challenges of doing it alone.